Testicles are expensive to own and operate!
Men have wallets, which means we were meant to have money. Men
have testicles, which means we were meant to have sex. Men have muscles, deep
voices, and fast cars (except for computer geeks) which means we were meant to
have power. Unfortunately men drink beer, which means we have sex with anything
in a dress, empty our wallets just to make sure we have sex with anything in a
dress, and then crash our powerful cars into trees, trying to make a clean
("thing in a dress" is passed out in all her naked glory on the bed) getaway
from the (ob)scene of the crime.
Women will try and tell you that this happens because men think with their
"little heads" and not their big heads, but I’m here to tell you we don’t think
at all. Nope, our neurons are not even wired up. What all too often gets
mistaken for a thought, is really just a reaction. Figuratively speaking, a
man’s world is full of soft, curvy, fragrant, expensive things that act like
irresistible lures, and irresistible lures are, well, irresistible.
You see, it all starts when we’re babies, the first time we get our mother’s
tit shoved into our face. This isn’t just any old tit mind you. It’s the left
tit*, and the left tit is filled with what is perhaps
the most debilitating drug ever discovered… testosterone! Testosterone is
worse than Heroin, Crack, Meth, Uppers, Downers, Pot and Pork Rinds put
together. It’s even more powerful (although not much) than alcohol at making
ugly look pretty, fat look thin, and a big ass look like a good idea. Mix the
two together, and you could wake up as a played-out stunt double in a Tijuana
Donkey Bar, and I’m not talkin’ about a standing in for the donkey.
It’s true that men don’t like to be told what to do by women, but for not for
reasons of supposed superiority. Most of the time we just can’t comprehend what
women are saying, because we’re not really thinking about anything besides what
sort of underwear they’ve have on (if they’re wearing any at all), what they
look like naked, and what it’ll cost us to see them that way. Truth be told,
we’ve risen up from the Primordial ooze that gave us life…but not very
far.
It’s true that men do feel powerful when we have money, because one way or
another we figure we’ll be able to buy our way into a woman (literally) before
it runs out. This is a legitimate belief as long as our favorite brand of beer
isn’t on sale, our pork rinds aren’t stale, our favorite female cousin lives
just a couple of trailers over, and we don’t live too close to a Tijuana Donkey
Bar.
Scientists have studied men and their "complexities" for ages and still
haven’t come to the obvious conclusion that men are not complex at all, and
therefore couldn’t possibly have any complexities. Basically we’re just fish out
of water looking for the shiniest lure, or the smelliest (in a good way mind
you) bait we can find. It’s not rocket science for chrissakes, it’s biology.
